I need a calendar, a computer, and often mirrors scheduling travels to progeny. It’s uncanny. From work schedule to theatrical schedule to recovery commitments through what works for them…it’s like threading a needle syncing everything and everyone. Still I have, I do, and I shall. (For example, it’ll be Chicago come April, New York in May, and if an audition goes well, back on stage in June. If only they’d clung to their roots!)
Frankly, I didn’t see it coming. Not really. Not the big picture.
Intellectually (back then) I knew Michael yearned to try New York; matter-of-factly, what with Jamie’s stratospheric grades I accepted too her dodge of Columbus, and Yes, I accepted at that moment in time Stacy’s jaunt to Chicago….
But it never occurred to me that they wouldn’t come home. That the toothpastes were leaving the tubes. Forever.
It never occurred to me that temporary moves morph to lifetime postures—overnight.
Michael hopped from my car in Manhattan. Moments earlier we’d been laughing, dreidling through Manhattan from the L.I.E. across town, circumventing the Puerto Rican Day parade route…trying to figure out where I could drop him off, how I could get to the tunnel…. The sun shone on The City. He kissed me goodbye and said hello to his future.
He was moving on (for the better), and I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.
“…We’re only getting older baby
And I’ve been thinking about it lately.
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast that life changes?”
Stacy packed up the car still in Beachwood. Moments later she’d drive west to Chicago’s fresh air. My youngest, as we all knew, was prone to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Sure, Michael had been gone a few years at this point and Yes, it was beginning to sink in that he might not return. But The Little One? (Frankly, it never occurred to me she’d move away from her mother).
She was moving on (for the better), and I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.
“…We’re only getting older baby
And I’ve been thinking about it lately.
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast that life changes?”
Jamie walked out of our lives in layers. I was the last domino to fall. Five children in three households lost a future of aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and simchas and…family.
I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.
“…We’re only getting older Jamie.
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast that life changes?
One of three kids that I dream of
Disappearing when I wake up—
But there’s nothing to be afraid of
Even when our life changes
It will never change me and you….”
(One Direction, adapted)