3:30 on a Friday afternoon and I sat in the office minding my own business as the holiday weekend approached. Clock winding down…garbage time of the day…and then the phone rang.
“Are you OK?’ Stuart had just returned from South Carolina and was checking in.
“Of course.” But I didn’t understand his inquiry: “Why?”
“Because I’ve been reading your blog. You’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“So?”
“Well it’s not like you…what’s the problem?”
Stuart knows me as long and as well as anyone. Do all my old friends think I’m shallow? Whatever…..
I apologized. “I’ll try not to think again. I’m just bored, that’s all.”
“Are you sure that’s it? You can tell me, you know…C’mon B,” he coaxed.
“Don’t be an ass. I’m OK– just flat.”
“I know what your problem is…we got to get you a woman.”
He made the pronouncement triumphantly, like he had just discovered the world was round instead of flat.
(NOTE: Fenton thinks that being coupled is the solution to each of life’s issues. The man’s been married since the Nixon administration. Applying Stuart’s logic to Stuart himself, should I deduce that he has not in fact “been thinking” since the early ‘70’s?)
Right, wrong or indifferent, old friendships are sustained by purity of heart; Stuart truly believes he knows what ails me…even when I’m not ailing. So after my apology, over the phone and as one voice we sang Todd Rundgren together:
“We gotta get you a woman!” (And we laughed).
Truth be known, the people closest to me have never taken to the women I’ve chosen to associate with. Oh, they’ve liked each individually, but they just never liked them FOR ME.
Fresh out of college I reported to Ft. Polk, Louisiana for Basic Training. Leaving–even temporarily– the only girlfriend I’d ever had was rough— but we were in love. Indeed, my ring was on her finger and we were to be married that September 3! Unfortunately, she forgot to write it down and in my absence developed a new friend, thus terminating the engagement.
Upon my return from the service we ultimately reunited. I still have Stuart’s three-page letter (written on the back of old Highlights For Children weekly report forms) counseling me to be careful about my love life choices. He urged me to look for three things in a partner: spiritual, intellectual and physical connection. I filed the letter but ultimately read it in the ‘90’s.
Years later he saw me through other interactions.
There was the one he thought was psycho—that he called “Fatal Attraction.” She was normal on the outside but not playing with a full deck within. Stuart sensed it immediately but I was too fresh out of marriage to want to listen.
Then, down the road, there was my three year relationship in sobriety. He would nod and say “If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.” Still, he must have been distraught that I would get involved with someone sixteen years my junior that chain-smoked and had never read a book.
Dr. Kevin was my sponsor in the mid-00’s. I was embarking on a new relationship and he insisted that I inventory my past romances.
“List them all…even if you only went out once,” he insisted.
Little did he know how easy that would be.
But I listened, and put it all down on paper …subject to Kevin’s scrutiny.
We sat in his office at Cleveland Clinic and he asked questions that made even me blush. He made tough comments that were softened by care.
And he made sense.
“First,” he said, “You have terrible self-esteem issues.”
“Who doesn’t?”, I interrupted.
“Healthy people.” he continued. “And stop trying to be funny.”
There was silence. Loud silence. It was one of those moments when I knew I had to shut up and listen because the person I was talking to might care more about me than me.
“Secondly,” he continued,” Whether you know it or not you set yourself up for failure. You make bad choices doomed to fail, so that when things don’t work out, AND THEY WON’T, you can walk with your head high and say it was bound to happen and it didn’t matter anyway.”
Ouch.
Kevin told me a lot of other things that I didn’t want to hear. But I did.
So now it’s five years later. Stuart jokes, but thinks he has the answer. I say there isn’t a problem. And Kevin’s on the east coast.
The bad news for Stuart is that I continue to think… The good news is that my thoughts are clearer.
And, as I’ve been taught, the answers WILL come when my own house is in order.
And we’re getting there.
this is so you and so stuart and so brilliant. your line about nixon is beyond good — miss you
alan
I can’t believe how right on the Clv clinic guy seems to be. I also thnk you are way too hard on yourself. I think you should keep looking for women because you llike to and always will. Take it from someone that can relate. But I think that when you are lonely or whatever you want to call it you shouldn’t be worried about callling any one of your married or unmarried friend to see what’s going on and what could be done to share some time. I think in your case most will not feel it an intrusion but welcome the opportunity to spend time with you. Lastly, don’t laugh, try taking up golf. It eats up a good five hours and is great male bonding. And that really is what you do best. Sorry for the length of the comment but I always was better at verbal communication.