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Hal,

Today is Mom’s birthday. If she were here, you know she’d be spending it by the mailbox, checking to see who did and did not send her a sugary, sentimental card. It was, (you agree?) the byproduct of her lifelong insecurity.

We really don’t speak of her much, do we? We had her longer than Dad—near a quarter century longer—and still, Elaine Delores Hoffman Bogart (86 Bogart) Lerner Turner (86 Turner, please) is rarely discussed.

It’s probably unfair.

I remember Mom from her good days. Do you? You know: before the divorce, when she had that swagger. She was active—vibrant in a way she never would be again. Say whatever you want about Sam being the “love of her life”, but divorcing—something rarely done in her day—-killed the spirit of the woman that bore us. She may have been a 50’s Mrs. Cleaver, but her every ounce of independence and identity evaporated when Dad did. (At least as I see it).

Yeah, I know: Sam was great to her. He loved her, made a life and honored her. But he also enabled Mom to a fault and by the time grandchildren arrived she was a shadow of her former self.

Do you agree?

I wish our kids could have seen her on the back porch playing board games. Remember…with the Gelfands and Fentons? I wish they’d have memories of a more active grandmother.

You know, H…when I close my eyes and picture her, I see either our first years or her last. I conjure Bayard Road and Menorah Park, but nothing in between.

Well, that’s not totally true. I’d almost forgotten, but …. It was, in many ways, her shining moment.

You wheeled her down the aisle at Michael’s wedding, five years ago. Remember?

How proud she looked, that night. How regal!

I saw the video just months ago…for the first time. Confined in chrome she nonetheless sat front row at her grandson’s wedding. Kvelling.

For the first time in years her eyes weren’t tired—in fact they glowed…may I say…like they had on Bayard.  I need to show you that video some time, H.  I really do.

 And then we need to talk about Mom some more.

Really.

Love,
bb

This entry was posted on Monday, November 21st, 2011 at 12:03 pm and is filed under Up From Dysfunction. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.