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Dear Mom,

There won’t be anything profound in this note—nothing special going on—but with Mother’s Day approaching I wanted to thank you once again for your greatest legacy: a sense of humor.

As you know, Mom, The Comedy Awards aired Sunday. I watched them alone (go figure), but was thinking of you. In my mind’s eye it was post-Sam, pre-Ed, and you were not only smiling, but laughing…at everything.

Well, not everything.

There were the times you’d look at me in angst. With eyes of love, still voicing frustration, your refrain would repeat: “Bruce, it’s not funny!” How often did you, holding back your own laughter, admonish that “Everything’s not a joke” or “Your father wouldn’t think this is funny”?

When not saddled by depression, Mom…when you faced your days, your sense of humor was bountiful. How you howled at TV, at me, and most of all, at yourself! Indeed, you found humor where others feared to tread. Heck, as close as I was with my Dad, it would have been you, Mom, with whom I’d have watched the show last week. As such, it’s to you, Mom, that I first announce MY Comedy Awards. (From start to finish, it was you—always you—that may not have gotten the joke, may not have understood the premise, but would have cried tears of laughter just watching me tell it).

So here goes, Mom: MY COMEDY AWARDS. Not an annual event, necessarily…but some of Lifetime Achievements.

In the categories of media:

BEST SILENT MOVIE: The old 8-millimeter film, (circa 1958), starring Cousin Gary unintentionally running the bases backward out at Wiegand’s Lake in Novelty, Ohio. (Available now on DVD through Hal; see “The Bogart Chronicles, Volume I”).

BEST SILENT MOVIE MOMENT: Four second clip (1970) of Al Bogart and his sons in the parking lot at 20 East 14 Columbus. Rivaled only by the earlier Zapruder film of ’63, it memorializes Bruce spitting at his brother, the wind catching it and thrusting it into their father’s eye, and the father wiping his eye all-the-while glaring at Bruce in disgust. (Also available on DVD).

FUNNIEST MOMENT AT BRUSH HIGH: Unanimous: Randy hitting the north and south urinals with one shot.

FUNNIEST MOMENT ON “FABULOUS BOOMER BOYS”: Fans (and there were three) of this old radio show that first hit Cleveland’s airways in March of ’93 will recall the time that Stuart chose to do a movie review. He was discussing “Sliver”, Sharon Stone’s follow-up to “Basic Instinct”. Bobby had just teased about how the two of them had gone with their wives to see it but that I was excluded because I hated scary movies.

“Don’t worry about it, B”, Stu said on air. “The movie stunk.,,,And to all our listeners, I’ll save you money. It was Tom Berenger. Tom Berenger did it.”
(And then…some time later…just as we were signing off, he announced it again: “In case you tuned in late, Tom Berenger is the killer in ‘Sliver’”.

In the personality categories, Mom, I’ve been blessed. I’ve been surrounded, always, by so many people that make me laugh. From core friends and their “mock fights” to Fenton who, to this day, “stirs the pot”…to life’s acrobats I meet in recovery…to the clowns that I meet on stage….No one, though—-and you want to talk about irony, Mom—no one, has brought greater laughter to us all than your former sister-in-law. Has she not provided the best material for all of us? (How often has Maynard told Hal and me: “You boys should write it down. You’re sitting on a gold mine.”)?

Which leads me to my final category, Mom. PERSON WHO MOST OFTEN MAKES ME LAUGH. (This Mom, will make you cry). The winner, hands down, is Harold. To this day, he will always make me laugh. Remember how George Burns could always break Jack Benny up? It’s that way with Hal and me.

Even the nonsense. (OK…especially the nonsense).

Let me share with you his recent mishigos. (Eyes may roll in New York and Chicago but YOU Mom…you’ll get it. You’ll laugh).

What follows is a transcript of text messages H sent me this week, all within a two hour period. He’d been summoned by Aunt Helen to run her to Macy’s, a block away, as she needed “one item”.

11:19 AM We had to stop at Target first to pick up Rx
11:19 (still) Now in Macy’s”
11:20 She wants to know what is wrong with their pajamas?
11:20 (still) Now we are in “girls 7 – 16”
11:21 She is trying on 2 pairs of pants. Neither will fit
11:21 (still) Next stop Petite Department
11:22 Why would we be in the bikini waxing department again?
11:28 Size 8 and size 10 don’t fit. Now trying a 12 and a 14. With a little luck you might be returning a 12 or a 14 next week.
11:32 She is still in dressing room
11:33 She is still in dressing room
11:34 She bought the size 14
11:49 Now we are downstairs in Petites
11:49 (still) Keep the receipt
11:50 She is trying on a size 4 Petite
11:50 This isn’t good for Boomer
11:50 She is still in the dressing room
11:51 She is still in the dressing room
12:16 PM TOUCHDOWN. She bought a size 4 and a size 6 to try on at home. At least one will be coming back.
1:01 Dropping her off. Shopping is over. Pulling out of her driveway.  Oops! So excited that I am done that I almost had an orgasm at Cedar and Fenwick.
1:01 (still) This whole experience is like sex. Time for a cigarette.

So Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You gave us life, love and laughter—in other words: everything.

Bruce

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 8th, 2012 at 9:28 pm and is filed under Up From Dysfunction. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.