“If you were going to repair the world, where would you start?”

Posted by a Facebook friend last week, the above query drew predictable knee-jerk responses. A plurality spoke to intolerance, and others of love, tolerance, and family. Fine answers, to be sure, but not mine. “…Eliminate the Designated Hitter Rule” I suggested.

Tell me I’m wrong. I dare you. Forget your personal happiness for a second and answer me this: Was the world not a better, safer place in 1973 or now?  Ah…now that I’ve secured your reluctant agreement, permit me to offer my personal Top Ten ways to repair the world:

10 The F.C.C. should mandate that all television seasons both begin in September and end in May. Not because I harken to the old days— but because it worked. We shouldn’t have to Google what season we’re in; kids should be able to play outside in the summer and not miss a new episode.

9 High school graduates should be required to attend their first two years of college in their home state. Then, if they want to spread their wings, God bless them. Not only would this defray the mass exodus of upwardly mobile graduates to only New York, Chicago, and the Left Coast, but indeed ‘tis a proviso that is family-oriented. Indeed—why should nice folk like me and you have to get on airplanes to see our grandkids?

8 Political correctness should be outlawed. (Ed. Note 1: NO, I haven’t gotten over how they fucked with Gilbert Gottfried).

7 Newscasters should be topless, (except on CNN, where they should be soundless).

6 SUV motor vehicles should have their own separate parking lots. (Ed. Note 3: Why in the world should drivers of standard sized cars have to play Russian Roulette backing out of spaces?

5 The Washington Senators should return to the American League.

4 If someone steals your parking space you should be permitted to park behind them and block his/her car in.

3 Inappropriate use of handicapped parking stickers should be a first/tier traffic offense with violators compelled to watch one straight hour of CBS’s “Two Broke Girls”.

2 There should be a uniform law for grocery stores whereby the Express Line (12 items or less) defines an item by the “Swipe Rule”, (i.e. you count the amount of arm swipes rather than units purchased. If, for example, Item X is 3 for $3.50, and there is but one swipe and a “3” punched in on the cash register–well, then–that should count as but 1 item. (Ed. Note 2: As an adjunct to this, whenever some mumser wrongfully proceeds through the Express Line and when notified by the cashier feigns innocence, it should be “Intentional Grounding”. Sirens should go off, massive strobe lights should impact on the store, and the putz should be made to return all items to the shelf. (And to watch “Two Broke Girls”).

—- Which leads me back to my immediate answer on that Facebook posting: the horror of The Designated Hitter Rule. (Ed. Note 3: Established by baseball’s American League merely to prolong careers until such time as its chemists could perfect performance enhancing drugs, it changed our great game for the worse. Can you honestly tell me that wasn’t when baseball jumped the shark? It was the yang to the yin of what was one of the GREATEST rule changes in the history of mankind, to the one statute from the 70’s that was indeed divinely inspired: “Right turn on red”.

Amending Ohio’s motor vehicle code to permit right turns on red? Now THAT was a mechiah

…which bettered the world.

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